Co-Regulation

Have you heard of co-regulation? This is a somewhat new concept that not everybody understands.  

In a nutshell, our children can’t regulate their big feelings by themselves because their nervous system is still developing, so they need our help in order to get back into balance.  This process of us teaching and modeling regulation to them is co-regulation.  Without it, our children may never learn how to fully and effectively come back to balance when hypo or hyper aroused.

To put it into perspective, think about a time where you needed to “vent” to a friend about something that was bothering you.  Didn’t you feel much better after this vent session?  This is also co-regulation (brain to brain, friend to friend.)  Our children need this so badly during their crucial years of nervous system development. 

What is Regulation?

True regulation is the process of coming back into balance, AKA, being flexible.  It’s being present with whatever arises, then coming back to a grounded space afterwards.  We don’t usually return to baseline because our autonomic nervous system doesn’t know the difference between perceived danger and real danger. 

It isn’t just about calming down, because in some instances, you actually need to be uplifted in order to be back in balance.  For example, those times where you shut off (freeze mode) because you’ve just had enough of your daily tasks.. In this moment, “calming down” isn’t what you need, you actually need to “rev up”.

Our children use our nervous system to regulate until they are physically and emotionally mature enough to do it on their own.  But they need us for this!  From the moment of conception, our nervous system IS their nervous system, and it doesn’t stop once they’re born.  

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-Regulation is the process of supporting our children while fostering self-regulation development.  How can we do this?

1. Have a warm, responsive relationship with care and affection, while responding to needs, communicating and showing respect.
2. Provide a structured environment that is physically and emotionally safe while allowing them to explore and learn at their level of development without risks.  This includes having consistent and predictable routines and expectations with logical consequences.
3. Teaching self regulation skills by modeling and instruction.

The bottom line is, don’t run away from stressful situations.  That is not real life and we need to teach our children how to cope with stressors and triggers.  When I am frustrated or stressed, I like to tell my children that I need to take some space, or I physically take a few breaths in front of them.  If we don’t model, they won’t learn.