Time Outs

A Change in Mindset.

Time outs have been known as a go-to for parents as a punishment for a very long time. When we send our kids into time out as punishment, this is instilling a fear-based parenting style. Instead, we want to look at time outs as a safe space for our children to calm their bodies or minds and to feel safe.  

Before leaving a child in this designated “time out” space, we must make them feel validated.  Whether we agree with the behavior or not, we all benefit from letting them know that we hear them. We can recognize that they are upset, they are having a hard time, and we love them and we are here.  BUT, we will need them to calm themselves before we can solve this problem.  

We want our children to grow up feeling like they have the proper tools to calm their bodies and minds when something is wrong, or something traumatic has happened.  If we position time outs as a punishment, there is no learning involved.  They just view it as a place that they want to avoid, therefore they will try to hide the behavior from us, in fear of this “punishment”.  When we position time outs as a safe space to take a breath, relax and calm down, we are ultimately teaching them an amazing life skill-that when something inevitably doesn’t go our way, we can retreat to our safe space, think about it, calm our minds, then come out of it ready to tackle the issue.  Whether they did something “wrong” or not is not the point.  The validation and the space need to come before we try to teach.  

There are many ways to make “time-outs’” feel like a safe space.  You can create a calming corner with a beanbag, fidget toys, books, music, whatever you think may make your child feel calm.  Sometimes in time outs, we wont even leave our child.  If your child is having a very hard time or being physical with other children, that’s a time where you may want to stay to make sure they can’t escape to hurt others.  This is ok!  Time outs should not be a space where your child feels isolated or afraid or that we have left them to solve something that they can’t make sense of.  Instead, let’s change our mind set and view time outs as an opportunity to teach them life changing tools about self regulation while teaching them the appropriate ways to behave.